I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
