Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
