Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
