Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
The beers last night were like the tears from god
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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