Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
