How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
