just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
