just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
