Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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