I hate all girls vehemently.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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