I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
