there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Watching her eat just hurts me
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Randomize
