I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
