So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
