Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
