Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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