My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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