I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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