I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
