Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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