last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
