So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
