so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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