I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We don't watch enough power rangers
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
this hospital has no fireball
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
