i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
