Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
