I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
