maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
