I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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