Apparently you make a good broom.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
