he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
