Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
