I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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