I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i wish my penis had a tongue
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
ok first of all what the fuck
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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