I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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