I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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