i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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