I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
