I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
