I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Randomize
