Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
