someone threw a dead crab at me
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
