What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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