It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
