i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
