I didn't shave. On purpose
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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