My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
