I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
