It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
