he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
