If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
