CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
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